Many
young adolescent males and young men throughout our global village are met with
a deafening and spirit shattering silence when they ask the proverbial question
that all souls ask: “Do you see me?
Do you hear me? Do I matter?” Adolescent males and young men are no
different than the rest of us. They want
to be affirmed, respected, and listened to.
On Tuesday, 19 November 2019, under the leadership of Mr.
Carry Greaves, the National Chair of the United States International
Men’s Day “Healing And Repatriation” Initiative (http://www.usainternationalmens day.blogspot.com),
Ulster Correctional Institution located in Napanoch, New York joined
individuals, organizations, and institutions in 88 nations around the world in
celebrating International Men’s Day. Four
young men were selected by Mr. Greaves
to participate in the institution’s observance of International Men’s Day which
took the form of a dialogue. In the
narrative below, aptly titled, “The Dialogue”, you will meet four
young men who talk about Fatherlessness, the need for positive role models, and
how to create a safer and better world.
THE DIALOGUE
BY: MR. Carry Greaves
[PUBLISHED WITH AUTHOR’S PERMISSION]
Four young men were invited to participate in the 2019 observance of International Men’s Day. I wanted to share with them the objectives of International Men’s Day and to look at the ways in which we can incorporate them into our lives. Each of these young men brought a different perspective to the table. What I felt, saw and heard is a cry for guidance. A cry for mentorship, and a cry to be loved.
CARRY: I want to thank each and every one of you for coming down and keeping your word. We all had the opportunity to read the objectives of International Men’s Day and this is what I would like to begin with. Starting with Paul, and we’re going to go around the table. Please share with us whether you had any positive male role models growing up. And I’m not talking about any superstars or celebrities.
PAUL: I grew up with my two uncles. My father was in prison and I saw my mother from time-to-time. But my uncles were street guys. So I never had any positive role models in my life.
CARRY: Dray.
DRAY: I was sent to a group home when I was twelve years old. I never met my father. So, I didn’t have anyone but my friends.
JOHN: I was young when my father left and I think he went to jail. So, I never really knew him. So growing up, it was me, my sister, and my mom.
TONY: I didn’t meet my father either. The only ones that I looked up to were the older guys in my neighborhood who had a major influence on me. I wanted to impress them so I did what was wrong. I thought it was cool back then. But looking back now it was all bad.
CARRY: What were the things you considered bad?
TONY: You know. Robbing people. Stuff like that.
CARRY: That’s real and honest. Every one of us in this world has done something wrong. Something had which we regret doing. See, when there’s no positive male role model in the lives of the younger generation they will turn to somewhere else or someone for guidance. And for the most part, it’s not positive guidance. And the conclusion is they will land in prison or meet an early demise.
DRAY: I agree with you. I didn’t have that positive role model in my life and I can honestly say that this is the reason why I started disrespecting my Grandparents by ignoring what they were saying to me – which was positive and started hanging in the streets.
JOHN: If we had a positive role model in our lives we probably wouldn’t be in prison. Looking back, I do regret the things that I’ve done. I don’t want to blame every problem I have on not having a father in my life because my mother did her best with what she had. I can only be mad at myself.
CARRY: This is why we have special days like today so we can sit down and share with each other But I want you to direct your anger in a constructive way. I want you to see and understand that you have a purpose in life You will have to begin looking deep within yourself and see what needs to be worked on. And get rid of all the things that you believe are unhealthy for you.
TONY: That’s the first thing I did when I came to prison. I separated myself from my homeboys who were into the nonsense. I don’t’ want to spend an extra day in here by doing something stupid.
CARRY: That’s a great start. Just continue to work on yourself no matter what. And more importantly, don’t ever give up on yourself.
DRAY: I already signed up for school. And getting my G.E.D. is my number one priority.
TONY: I just want to thank you for pointing me in the right direction in such a short time
DRAY: We appreciate you.
CARRY: Thanks a lot. Let’s touch upon a few more areas before we wrap things up. The question is: How can we create a safer and better world where people can reach their full potential?
JOHN: I think it starts with respect. Respecting each other.
DRAY: I say respect, too. I think it also starts in our homes. That’s the foundation. If we can get our homes in order, I believe society will be better off.
TONY: We need to love ourselves first and then show love to others. Then get rid of the violence on television which is also a problem, I believe.
CARRY: See, everyone has a valid point. Remember, the agent of change is you. We don’t have to feed into anything that’s negative. We can dedicate our lives to doing good. Doing good, getting a proper education, speaking well, does not make you less of a person. Let’s get that clear. Keep in mind: Doing wrong got you where? It got you trouble. It brought you to prison. But don’t allow your incarceration to define who you are. And being incarcerated does not mean that you’re a bad person. You just made some poor choices. Now is the time to work on yourself. So when you leave here you’ll be able to contribute to your family and community.
PAUL: It does start with yourself. We have to work on so many things to make our communities safer. I do hope that things will get better.
CARRY: We do need to focus on ourselves much more than ever. All the partying needs to slow down. Our communities are plagued with so many issues. There’s gun and gang violence, drugs, a host of other things that’s tearing our homes and communities apart. We need more forums like this where we can sit down and share ideas on how to improve our situation.. We can’t afford to leave things the way they are for the next generation to inherit, That would be wrong.
TONY: I already made an oath with myself to go home and do right. No more excuses for me
CARRY: Don’t wait until you go home to do right. You need to start right now. But I tell you this, if you break the oath that you made to yourself, then there’s a spiritual burden that you will have to carry. So be mindful of that and stay true to your heart.
TONY: Thank you.
CARRY: There’s an old saying that reads: “No nation can rise higher than its women.” When we come to fully understand the importance of the woman, our attitude towards them will begin to shift. They are our first consolers, teachers, and doctors You may not believe this but they know more about us than we know of ourselves. Once they feel safe, protected, and loved, we can begin building bridges towards a better world. Just look at some countries where it’s against the law for women to become educated – the country is in turmoil.
PAUL: I read that somewhere.
JOHN: I agree. Like I said I grew up in a household with women and they are very intelligent. They always gave me positive advice but I disregarded them and now I regret it.
CARRY: And this goes back to not having a positive male role model in our lives We can be taught how to be responsible and caring men from the teachings and perspective of a man. We can also learn from them how to treat women with respect. Being a community builder and a working man. But we are constantly being fed with so many distorted images of what a man is. This is why it’s so important that we need a positive male role model in our lives which can help to demystify the misconceptions about what a man is.
DRAY: When I decide to have a family I’m going to be a positive example for my children. I don’t want my children to go through what I went through.
CARRY: That’s right! We can’t afford for it to become a generational thing. We have to come up with solutions that can eradicate the issues that we ae facing. I believe in the power of education. When we become properly educated so many doors will open for us. But I want each of you to start taking your education seriously. Expand your knowledge and share with others. This is the opportunity to get your life in order
TONY: This is deep. I already said that I’m not making any more excuses. I don’t ever want to go through this ever again.
JOHN: Me, too.
CARRY: Let’s talk about our health. And I’m talking about our mental health. Our spiritual health. What do you believe is the underlying factor of our destructive behavior?
PAUL: We party and drink way too much. We’re just not taking our lives seriously.
DRAY: Drugs. That’s the problem. I don’t care what kind of drug it is. Drugs period is the problem.
CARRY: We have so many issues to tackle and drugs are definitely a problem This country has a big population that is addicted to pills. Addicted to drinking and both drugs and drinking are taking a toll on our well-being. Having a negative attitude also plays a major part on our spiritual and mental well-being. This is why our health is deteriorating. Our communication with each other is broken. We don’t think in positive and healthy affirmations. We just don’t have a good relationship with ourselves.
TONY: We keep copying these celebrities on television and wanting to be like them.
CARRY: True. Our self-esteem is so low. We need to start being good to ourselves. Loving ourselves and having a positive outlook on life. We definitely need to change our attitudes.
PAUL: Being in here can be so depressing that you don’t feel like doing anything.
CARRY: But you can’t allow this situation to get the best of you. It’s an everyday process. You have to work hard at achieving the best for yourself. Self-determination is the key. Believing in yourself. Studying. Respecting yourself and working on becoming an asset to your family and community
JOHN: I used to be rebellious, but now that I’m getting older I’m starting to realize that I need to start working on myself. I want to be the son that my mom can be proud of
CARRY: Beautiful! And that’s great thinking. See, that’s why having conversations like these can bring out so much. Well, we have about eight minutes before we go And I want to thank you for being here and sharing your hearts I truly appreciate it.
DRAY: I want to thank you, Big Bro!
TONY: Thank you, too.
PAUL: I just want to know one thing: Can we do this again next week?
CARRY: You’re a funny guy. We can always sit down and share. That’s never a problem.
JOHN: I appreciate you too and I’m going to share this with my family This was very interesting.
CARRY: Hopefully we all learned something today and we can go back and share it with our families and friends. So, take it easy. Remember, keep studying. And show love to each other.
_____
MR. CARRY GREAVES is the National Chair of the United States International Men's Day "Healing And Repatriation" Initiative which has facilitated the observance of International Men's Day in American correctional facilities beginning in 2012; Senior Contributing Editor to IN SEARCH OF FATHERHOOD(R), a quarterly international Fatherhood and Men's Issues Journal (http://globafatherhood dialogue.blogspot.com; poet; published free-lance journalist; and Relationship and Empowerment Guru.
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