COVID-19, PRISON, AND THE COURTS: ACCELERATING BUILT-IN DISHARMONY FOR COUPLES OF AFRICAN DESCENT: MR. MUTI A. AJAMU-OSAGBORO

          Love is the indestructible adhesive in the hull of an ice-cutter ship that plows through the frozen waters of systemic racism that souls of African descent navigate daily.  It is a set of circumstances that moves me to view the ice-cutter ship as a “love ship”.  As much as love, courtesy of the love ship,  cuts through frozen waters, it also serves as a vehicle through which the unexplored intricacies of soul salving are explored  and the silent joy of laboring at bonding with your Natural Complimentary Opposite.  Love  surmounts all obstacles -- seen and unforeseen. The unforeseen obstacles take many forms.  One unforeseen obstacle comes to mind immediately – the obstacle known as “Eliminating Group Opportunity” or “E.G.O.”  For clarity in this commentary, I want to be clear that the acronym E.G.O. that I am using is different from the word “ego”.  I feel the need to make this clarification, as “ego” refers to self – the individual.  As a matter of fact, “ego” is defined as “the ‘I’ or ‘self of any person’  . . . a person  as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others . . .”.   Far too many souls of African descent are so emotionally wed to the term “ego”  -- to thinking in terms of “I” and “me”,  Being wedded to the ego – “I” and “me” is antithetical to love as love is about “us,” “we,” and “connectedness”. 

An incident occurred that prompted me to become a participant in the “Eliminated Group Opportunity” exercise.  I made a key decision – individually – without first sharing or discussing my deliberative process with my Natural Complimentary Opposite.  This denied her the opportunity to have a say in the outcome of our progress.  Because I “eliminated group opportunity”, my ego – my thinking from the perspective of “I’ and “me” as opposed to thinking from the perspective of “us,” “we,” and “connectedness” -- controlled my decision making.  I fully own that.  I also admit that it subsequently created a major conflict between us.  In a nutshell, the decision was regarding a tactical choice, in one of the several Human Rights projects we are working on. When you are a team,  you must always consider how each decision will affect the other member or spouse. For me, she is my Natural Complimentary Opposite – she is a woman, the opposite of me – a man  Together, we constitute the union that is spiritually, socially, and physically designed to create human life and perpetuate this beautiful species of ours. I told her that, part of what I forgot, was that "the foundation of our group is ‘uni’ which literally means ‘one’ and is a component of the word ‘universe’.”  Our sum total is greater than our individual parts.  

         However, there is the flip side to this.   There are many similar circumstances that occur in this environment that she or like-minded loved ones have not grasped yet:  Prison, which is a subordinate of the court, creates built-in disharmony for couples of African descent.  Further, prison creates an abnormal and disjointed interface with the relationships of souls of African descent.  The restrictions mandated in response to COVID-19  accelerates this – especially in  a very spiritual, emotional, sensual, and intellectually close love ship that is  driven by my fiancée – my Natural Complimentary Opposite.  It often robs us of time – time that we need to create clarity. 

         The lack of time dissolves basic sequential conversation and puts you and your spouse, fiancée, or loved one in situations that are incomplete. – situations that force us to make decisions, as individuals, and renders us unable to share the process it took to make that decision.  Prisoners are rushing to get the task at hand done. Thus, as individuals, we are put in predicaments where we are forced to make decisions without basic consultations or deliberations with our Natural Complimentary Opposite, which almost always comes across as unjust or dismissive.  

        This lack of time creates an internal nauseating and nonstop pull against what you are always pushing.   In a regular existence, having time to share the deliberative process, usually spurs on dialogue and more processing that will unarguably produce a group decision -- our decision!   And the group decision is often far superior to the individual decision.  The group opportunity allows us to flourish and bond closer still.  Compound this disjointed milieu with an entirely different  clock to mark time – court time.  Court time is in dog years. For each day that passes in the so-called free world,  seven (7) days have elapsed in court time.

          As a result, an already urgent situation is now acute seven times. In regular time, if a civilian forgets, or procrastinates to mail a letter, they casually surmise:  “No big deal.  I'll just drop it in the box or e-mail it tomorrow.”  In regular time, that’s cool.  But in court time, that seemingly harmless negligence or procrastination is fatal.  Why?  Because for your one (1) day that has passed, an entire week has passed in court time.  Now that letter is deemed useless because it is now either untimely or time barred -- forever sealing your loved one’s fate in prison – like a stamp on an envelope. “Time-barred” is a legal ploy by the court, in an effort to not deal with the merits -- facts, evidence, law, and truth -- of a case,.  Instead, the court focuses on a one-sided procedure -- jumping through a hoop that has nothing to do with whether or not the person is actually innocent or guilty.  

          In essence, court time is on a perpetual deadline that can never be missed at any time. Life and Death are literally housed in each check point. There is no down time, off time, or break time. If you are thinking that this is not fair, well, in truth, it was not designed to be fair, balanced, or just. The structural impediments are from inception to ensure  that we could not win. But the conscientious among us win repeatedly, in spite of this. Consciousness trumps the paleness of evil  -- nonstop!!  Unfortunately, those who have not been to prison, even with loved ones inside, are all too often unable -- or unwilling – to grasp this faux universe that secretly clocks the world on court time. Only those of African descent who are among the ranks of the so-called free, who make this vital adaptation, can be victorious in both love and litigation.          

        Now, let’s add the fact that opportunities for  freedom are far in between and few.  The prisoner must develop the discipline of when an opportunity is created, to “seize the time,” as the Black Panthers once said.   Sooner, rather than later, because later often does NOT come. This is a highly transitory environment (think reformed plantation), that is designed to keep the captives looking over their shoulders. But as a gift of unintended consequences, it has allowed the freedom fighting conscientious prisoner to develop what I call, a self-contained under pressure combat apparatus or SUPCA.   SUPCA enables her or him, regardless of the physical place, time, or disturbance, to get the task done in whatever amount of time that presents itself.   SUPCA is having everything you need with you at all times which requires the full development of an internal, vigilant and complex reliance system that can move at the bang of a gun, like in a city wide swim meet. This technique is a priceless skill that will work even better on the other side of the fence.  

     In any event, souls of African descent must always be willing to grow, whether its adaptation, improvisation, or the creation of an entirely new paradigm in order to win with Living On Vibrant Energy or L.O.V.E.  This requires, both souls to begin with owning their individual wrongs and errors, no matter how  difficult it is to admit. The medicine of growth by self-correction is an ancient Kemetic principle in practice:. The bigger the pill, the bigger the heal. Ubuntu!

          For example, I was wrong for trying to make a group decision without my group.  And I was wrong for trying to squeeze in a fifteen minute dialogue into two minutes or less when the other party is totally unaware that this is the goal. In retrospect, it is very clear now, because once I told my Natural Complimentary Opposite what I wanted to do, she exploded. She started yelling and then hung up the phone -- both of which are not good in supporting the lynch pin of a successful relationship  -- communication!  So, in order to get us to look at us, I sought help from Black Love And Marriage (http://www,blackloveandmarriage.com), which is an African-centered website created by Mr. Ayzie Ma’at, a certified Functional Family Therapist, certified Marriage and Relationship Educator specializing in couples and family work, and Licensed Graduate Social worker and his wife Mrs. Aiyana Ma’at who is a licensed psychotherapist, Clinical Social Worker, and certified Marriage and Relationship Educator who also specializes in couples and family work.   

         Living On Vibrational Energy  – L.O.V.E. – is about surmounting seen and unforeseen obstacles through love.  With the nuggets I found on the Black Love And Marriage website,  I challenged my Natural Complimentary Opposite to claim the role she played in our conflict and what she could have done to make the outcome better. The first thing I shared with her was an article by Dr. Richard Nicastro entitled "How To Turn Conflict Into Connection",  published on the Black Love And Marriage website (www.blackloveandmarriage.com), which uses the phrase "post-conflict analysis."   

         The article points out that  “for greater intimacy,” both parties, after the conflict – and preferably after raw emotions have simmered down – are required to analyze what role each party played in the conflict. Dr. Nicastro writes: "Ideally, conflict can lead to an increase in mutual understanding and healthy re-adjustment of your relationship, rather than estrangement.”  His article concluded that "you will strengthen your relationship when you make a post-conflict analysis a regular part of your marriage or relationship". (www.blackloveandmarriage.com).   I did not realize that I had been using this technique for years, but I did not have a name for it.  It is highly effective in getting to the root of the matter in figuring out how you got into a conflict and exactly what it takes to come out of the conflict closer, stronger, and more committed to Living On Vibrational Energy’s  mandate:  Surrender. The Neo Soul wife and husband group, Kindred The Family Soul, is right, when they chirp: "Surrender To Love".    

        Being in the Human Rights struggle with my Queen has made this journey that much easier to connect and be inspired.  In the words of Ruby Dee, in an interview alongside her husband  Ossie Davis, our model for a long and prosperous marriage:  "Although we came from different parts of the country, we both came from the struggle. I don't know any other way-- how do people be, if they don't be from the struggle?”  (An Evening With Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAG2_EVeG88.) When Mr. Davis died in February 2005 at the age of 87, they had over 60 years of  a joyful marriage. 

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MR. MUTI A. AJUMU-OSAGBORO is a a respected International Prison Radio journalist, print journalist, and a Contributing Editor to IN SEARCH OF FATHERHOOD® (http://globalfatherhooddialogue.blogspot.com).